One Year Later...

Today has been one year since Michael went from a human being to a spiritual being, the visible to the invisible, and yet his spirit and legacy is still alive to many of us. I have been touched by the many people who remembered today as the anniversary of his passing. That truly demonstrates that while he may be gone from this life that he is far from forgotten and who he was to many of us will continue on for as long as we may live on this earth.

Since his passing in 2008, life has been challenging on many levels, not only from a shattered dream of being retired partners together, but having to create a new life at the age of 50, a monumental birthday that I was sad to not have shared with him. While I feel as though I am about to paint on a new blank canvas of life while being armed with a pallet of wonderful colors of experiences and adventures that Michael and I shared, I just do not know where to place the first brush stroke. Through many months of processing the grief, I am just going to be in life again and almost let the canvas paint itself with my guidance, of course, being sure that it has balance and keeping close in my mind and in my heart the lessons and blessings that I have experienced through my many years with Michael.

Months after Michael’s passing, Conan, Chloe and I had to find a new place to call home that would allow me to eventually return to work in my usual way while allowing the “pups” to be who they are in their world – canines who need to sniff, chase squirrels and to allow nature to happen when it called for relief. Not only did we have to find a new home, but we had to find a new means of transportation to transport the two loves of my life, as well as my clients. Because Michael’s hours were flexible, he was always able to devote a portion of his day to their exercise and well being, something I found challenging early on after his passing, but what has now become part of my daily routine. It was amazing to observe Conan and Chloe going through their process when Michael no longer returned home to play with them or to feed them. Any extra effort on my part has been more than rewarding because their unconditional love has helped me through the darkest and saddest days of my life.

When Michael created this blog it was intended to be about who he could be for others as he moved through the transplant process, but unfortunately the journey took a different turn and he soon found himself planning the final chapter of his life. While reading over his journal entries leading up to his transition, I cannot begin to tell you of the courageousness of this amazing man especially his thoughtfulness and continued unselfish giving of himself. Michael wanted to have his affairs managed before his passing because he was concerned about the grieving and sadness that his mother and I would be experiencing after his death.

Many of you shared with me over this last year your memories of Michael and how he touched, moved and inspired your lives in some very deep and personal way, in even ways Michael may not have known. While this blog was intended to journal his experience through his illness, there is nothing more that I would love to see transpire is that this become a living memorial of Michael. While it may have felt awkward to post blogs after Michael’s passing, I invite you to write something that you would like to say as if you were telling Michael personally or just something to share.

Today I was at a loss for words as to how I was going to post this message, but I was returning home from our favorite Mexican restaurant (Marix in West Hollywood) and I received a beautiful email from a former client of ours who was inspired by us throughout the years. With her permission, I am going to publish her communication to me. It reads as follows:

“Hi, Bobby,

“I know today must be a day of reflection for you. I wanted to let you know I have been thinking of you. I reread Michael’s blog just about a week ago and felt even more moved by his words. I’m keeping a blog of my own now. My husband will be undergoing a stem cell transplant for a bone marrow failure disease called Very Severe Aplastic Anemia. He’s receiving medical care at City of Hope and we will hopefully find out that they have ruled out T-Cell Lymphoma (which would be in addition to the Aplastic Anemia) within the next week or so. It started with his liver almost failing. Just as they got that under control the bone marrow started to fail.

“I have always been inspired by yours and Michael’s love and your collective outlook on humanity and living a good life. I found comfort in the peace that Michael had throughout his medical challenge.

“I hope this finds you well! Con Cariño, Barbara
“Barbara Andrade DuBransky, MSW”

That is only one of the many writings that came my way and, because of its timeliness, I thought it should be published. I cannot begin to share all that’s transpired within this last year, but the first of everything without Michael was painful. I must say that I am grateful for his family who has continued to provide me warm love throughout this time. And to Michael’s mother, who I now proudly call “Mom,” I cannot begin to imagine the depth of the pain that you have experienced this year but yet I hear you healing slowly. I know it’s a pain in your heart that will not go away too soon, if ever.

In the past year of 2008 and in this new year of 2009, I have started - and plan on finishing -fulfilling Michael’s wishes by returning him to the earth from some of his favorite places that he and I shared together. It is Michael's wish to be scattered from the volcano at Haleakala in Maui, from the deck of a cruiseship, or any place that was special to us - (well, that could be challenging because there were so many) - but in his honor and with his sunshine in my heart it will be done!

May this year be full of love for you and peace to everyone in the world.

Bobby