"No beads for you!"

I had checked into UPMC at 6am, the IV's were in my arms and I was completely prepped for the procedure in which they would be delivering millions of tiny radioactive glass beads into my liver. Then the lab work came back indicating that my bilirubin level was too high to move forward. Just two weeks earlier it was well within the acceptable range, as were all of the other blood indicators of liver functioning, so no one was expecting to see that kind of jump. The cancer is now beginning to effect my basic liver functioning.

Alas, my friends, it appears that I have run out of acceptable medical options. My quality of my life remains high despite the news. Other than some minor side effects that come and go such as liver pain, bloating and fatigue, I am still quite able to enjoy life. And that is exactly what I am doing. Every conversation I have with members of my family is filled with love, humor, intimacy, candor and gratitude for the time we are spending together. Every word is precious. Every sentence brings us closer through shared memories and dreams. Every minute together makes me so glad that I was born into this family that is more drawn to laughing than crying, smiling than resenting, and acceptance than drama.

I leave first thing in the morning to fly back to Southern California to be with my family there: Bobby, Conan, Chloe and my friends. Just like my family in Pittsburgh, the time spent together with them lately has been very fulfilling. I am incapable of small-talk with people who are unable to speak with me on my terms, and this seems to work well for everybody. Sometimes I feel like I am glowing with a warmth that wraps around everybody near me. It feels good and there is nothing sad about it. I just wish I knew what the trick was as to how to be in touch with this feeling more often throughout our lives so that I could pass that information on to you. The simple things in life are part of the key; being present and aware of how special each person and each moment truly is.

Your Mama

The Theraspheres radiation treatment is scheduled for January 24 at UPMC. Almost the entire surface area of the right lobe of my liver is now wrapped with cancer. The smaller left lobe appears to remain unaffected. The strategy is to deliver a knock-out punch of radiation only to the right lobe and leave the healthier left lobe untouched. It is a one-shot deal; not the typical series of daily radiation stretched out over weeks that most people imagine. The irradiated glass beads are delivered to the liver through a catheter inserted in the femoral artery of my upper thigh. The procedure itself will feel no different than the chemoembolizations that I have had, except this time they are filling the arteries of my liver with radioactive beads instead of chemo drugs.

After the treatment, there will be one night in the hospital for observation. The day after my discharge I plan on returning to Los Angeles, from that point on my treatment and care will be taking place out there. In my commitment to savor every moment of every day of health, I have decided that I would rather do my savoring in the sunshine. In LA, I will be surrounded by my partner, our two dogs, and all of the friends that have been part of my life during the past 18 years that I have lived there.

My mother will be flying with me to Los Angeles to help me through the post-radiation fatigue I will be experiencing. Bobby and I live in a downtown LA loft; he has already put up a movable room divider to provide more privacy to the living room where she will be sleeping. It is a great space with lots of light, ceiling-to-floor windows, and city views, so she will not be roughing it too much...and a child needs his mother at times like these. I am certainly no different.

CT Scan results

My CT scan results from yesterday show that there has been progression of the main tumor to a size of 14x12cm from 7x5cm eight weeks ago, plus significant new growth throughout my liver. The portal vein which was partially blocked has now been completely closed off by the cancer cells.

The chemo drugs have had no effect so I will not be doing any more of that, but there is a treatment that I am considering that involves delivering millions of small, irradiated glass beads, called Theraspheres, to the blood vessels that supply the tumor. I will be going to UPMC tomorrow for a test that will map the blood vessels of my liver to determine if I am a candidate for the procedure. Since Theraspheres uses radiation instead of chemo drugs, there are few side effects other than some mild fatigue.


The crazy thing here is that I still look like the picture of health, and up until a few weeks ago I could even say that I was totally symptom-free. I have a mild, persistent twinge under my right rib cage and my energy is down just a little. My doctor continues to look at me as a medical marvel because of the lack of symptoms at this stage. So, I will just keep on doing what I am doing. The tour continues - next stop is Atlanta to visit my brother and his family. After that, I am looking forward to settling back into my life with Bobby in beautiful Southern California and seeing more of my friends.