I had checked into UPMC at 6am, the IV's were in my arms and I was completely prepped for the procedure in which they would be delivering millions of tiny radioactive glass beads into my liver. Then the lab work came back indicating that my bilirubin level was too high to move forward. Just two weeks earlier it was well within the acceptable range, as were all of the other blood indicators of liver functioning, so no one was expecting to see that kind of jump. The cancer is now beginning to effect my basic liver functioning.Alas, my friends, it appears that I have run out of acceptable medical options. My quality of my life remains high despite the news. Other than some minor side effects that come and go such as liver pain, bloating and fatigue, I am still quite able to enjoy life. And that is exactly what I am doing. Every conversation I have with members of my family is filled with love, humor, intimacy, candor and gratitude for the time we are spending together. Every word is precious. Every sentence brings us closer through shared memories and dreams. Every minute together makes me so glad that I was born into this family that is more drawn to laughing than crying, smiling than resenting, and acceptance than drama.
I leave first thing in the morning to fly back to Southern California to be with my family there: Bobby, Conan, Chloe and my friends. Just like my family in Pittsburgh, the time spent together with them lately has been very fulfilling. I am incapable of small-talk with people who are unable to speak with me on my terms, and this seems to work well for everybody. Sometimes I feel like I am glowing with a warmth that wraps around everybody near me. It feels good and there is nothing sad about it. I just wish I knew what the trick was as to how to be in touch with this feeling more often throughout our lives so that I could pass that information on to you. The simple things in life are part of the key; being present and aware of how special each person and each moment truly is.
13 comments:
Murph-
I am comforted to hear you are still at peace. You are truly amazing. I always saw you as someone who fully enjoyed the simple things in life and that is something I always loved about you. I am grateful that you have shared this perspective with my brother, because as you know, we cipolloni's need to be reminded to stop and smell the roses. You have always radiated warmth...that's what is truly special about you. Keep laughing and loving each moment w/family and friends. Love you, jackie
Michael,
You are an absolute amazing person, whose passion comes through in every word. You spent only a short time at the YMCA of Greater Pittsburgh, but you impacted many lives.
Your Spinners and the YMCA Staff are keeping you in our Thoughts and Prayers.
--- Jim Needles
Just when I think I'm gonna get a little Michael time here in Da Burg, boom... back to LA. I had to go to Pamela's by myself! Somehow though, it doesn't matter where you are. You continue to inspire me, amaze me, and even piss me off with that tiny little waist of yours (hmmm, this may be a recurring theme in my posts on your blog). I love reading your words Michael. They're awesome. You're awesome. I will see you in LA.
Peace. I hope to be as strong as you in time.
Murph,
Your soul and spirit are amazing, warm and calming. Thank you for sharing your insight and prespective with us as you travel along your path. Allowing me the opportunity to be part of your experience has been one of my breathless moments in life. I am humbled by your grace and courage. Jackie and I love you and hold you close to our hearts always. I hope you are warm and safe every day. Love & Peace, Marybeth
Michael xo Hi!!
After so many years of not saying hi! HI!!
Our neighbor, Mike Keely, emailed us your blog.
I was deeply moved and inspired after reading about your journey... your spirit and passion and sense of peace filled my soul. I couldn't get out of my head, your smiling face pushing us forward during spinning classes! Thank you for sharing and giving us the opportunity to ride a little way with you. I'll be in touch with Mike K and see if we can coordinate a little or big :-) dinner party...it would be wonderful to see you. Sending you and Bobby a big hug & kiss until then.
Love, Toni xoxo
Michael,
In the short time you were at the Pittsburgh YMCA teaching spinning, I was always amazed at the fact that someone could be so friendly, so kind and so conscientious of making people in spin class feel comfortable and motivated. I used to leave not only exhausted from a great workout, but with a sense of wanting to be as giving as a person that you so eloquently modeled. It was only after these thoughts that I learned of your personal story making what I felt that much more pronounced and awe-inspiring. You have inspired and motivated those that you don't even know and know that those people's thoughts are with you as you continue on this journey.
-Jane from the YMCA
Michael,
Peace be with you now.
You will always be loved and remembered.
Michael
The sky will be brighter tonight. For the heavens have called an earthly star to shine upon us all.
Peace always, Michael.
Michael,
Why do the good ones always have to leave so early? I'm so sorry I didn't get to say goodbye.
Take care my friend. I will always remember your smile.
Tom
Michael, as I said to Bobby yesterday, "this sucks." The two of you are very special people that I admire so very much.
I was taught that in heaven, where you are now, you will finally get the answers to all of life's mysteries. The biggest question being why bad things happen to good people.
On the good side though, you are probably enjoying warm tropical breezes, brilliant sunrises, fresh air and real peace. You and Bobby have taught us to enjoy that stuff now before time gets away from us. I am grateful and fortunate for having known you.
All my love, and all my hopes to you and Bobby.
Michael,
Although I never met you, I see and feel the affect your life had on others close to you. They talk about your ability to make them laugh, and your incredible smile.
You'll undoubtedly leave these same impressions on these and other souls on the next leg of your journey!
Perhaps I'll be blessed enough to be amoung them.
Allen
Dear Michael:
You wrote that you were lucky to be born into this family but we were the lucky ones. Lucky to know you, lucky to love you, and lucky to call you our baby brother.
Love you forever....
Laurie, Jamie, Kathleen, Tom and Julie
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